<\/p>\n

Name of document<\/h4>\n

Commuting patterns in greater Christchurch: Trends from the Census of Population and Dwellings 2006 and 2013<\/em><\/p>\n

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Original sentence<\/h4>\n

In 2006, the Cathedral Square area unit had a density of 11,784 people giving a workplace address per square kilometre, and this fell to 4,285 people giving a workplace address per square kilometre in 2013.<\/p>\n

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Rewritten sentence<\/h4>\n

In 2006, the employment density for Cathedral Square was 11,784 people per square kilometre. This fell to 4,285 in 2013.<\/p>\n

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Judges’ comment<\/h4>\n

You\u2019ve reduced this sentence from 35 words to 20. Impressive!<\/p>\n

The structure of both your revised sentences is strong. Both use strong subjects and active verbs that capture the intended meaning. You\u2019ve used clear, concise vocabulary and removed most jargon. You\u2019ve created a pleasant \u2018story\u2019 flavour.<\/p>\n

The original was just about understandable, but very complex. The technical qualifiers (\u2018giving a workplace address per square kilometre\u2019) got in the way of the meaning. You\u2019ve captured the intended meaning much more clearly in the revision. Well done.<\/p>\n

Overall, this is an excellent revision. It\u2019s clear, concise and appropriate for the intended audience. It moves from a reporting of statistical data to a sentence that more clearly interprets the data.<\/p>\n

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Media statement<\/h4>\n

Statistics New Zealand aims to empower decision-makers by adding value to New Zealand\u2019s most important data. Publishing information in plain English is one way we do this.<\/p>\n

Our statistical analysts work with information that can affect all New\u00a0Zealanders. The importance of this information means our publications must be readable, even if the analysts feel restricted by technical terms or lack of time to translate terms into everyday language.<\/p>\n

Our contender for \u2018best sentence transformation\u2019 is from a series of reports about changes in commuting patterns. It\u2019s an example of how using the correct technical terms from a survey can get in the way of a reader\u2019s understanding. However, when editors and analysts work together we can transform complex information into writing that is both technically accurate, and understood by its target audience.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s great to have our efforts recognised, and to be part of an organisation that understands the value of plain language.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Name of document Commuting patterns in greater Christchurch: Trends from the Census of Population and Dwellings 2006 and 2013 Original sentence In 2006, the Cathedral Square area unit had a density of 11,784 people giving a workplace address per square kilometre, and this fell to 4,285 people giving a workplace address per square kilometre in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":229,"parent":25,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":[],"yoast_head":"\n